Boredom at it's best

2002-09-30T11:17:00.000-07:00

I know my blog has been neglected, but it's because i've been here and the internet hasn't been wokring, finally i can link my lap top up so i'm gonna try and update once a week, probably on a monday so people u'll know when to check.

ok let's start from the beginning, i almost wasn't here. i was calm all morning but when we went through the gates i couldn't pretend anymore, i wasn't sure if i could do it and in the ned i couldn't get out of the car, i didn't know if it was for me. i spoke to mark my house parent, he said i could go and then come back but i just didn't want to, malcolm ( the principal ) wanted to talk to me but i couldn't do it, i didn't want to let any one down, i still don't. i ended up saying no and ileft, we had tos top at marks and spencers for my sister to use the toilet, and then i changed my mind so we went back. since then i've changed my mind time and time again, the most recent was thursday jsut gone, see on monday £300 of my make up was stolen and i just felt as though no one cared and that i couldn't trust any one anymore. but once again people managed to talk me out of it.

i think i've changed, i think i'm more impressionable to people's feelings about me, and only now am i beginnning to be my old self again, today proved it with my funky socks and pink shoes, and i felt happy and i didn't care if i don't fit in because this is me.....
ok sow hat's it like here, it's pretty cool, except the fact i'm taking japanese, don't ask why i chose it, i guess anything is better than french or spanish!!! we start at 8am and finish at 1.30, then some days we have service or activity, i'm in visual rescue and basically i'm getting trained on analogue cameras, digital, digital editing and video,. it's one of the hardest services to get into and i'm in!!!!! and my activities are the feldenkrais method, don't ask; massage and relaxtion and russian, again don't ask!

the routine here feels normal now but i guess it's pretty strange really. i got some cool m8s i guess, closer than some before have thought they were..... i think the closest would be raiyah, she's princess of jordan, but that's not important, most people are really cool here but you all know how i am with perfect people and well lets just say there's a few!!!!!

when i came home on the weekend i thought i'd dread going back but i didn't , i'm not gonna say i felt like i was returning home, but i felt like i w as returning to a goood place. the only people i miss are dwayen and van really, and funeral for a friend, i serisouly miss going to their gigs and i'm constantly walking around plugged into some cd or other.

well that's it really i guess i hope yur all well and will all read this as this may be my only contact with you for the next 2 years

2002-08-30T17:01:00.000-07:00

last night i went to club ifor bach, i was speaking to gareth and he says i have to do somethign before i go and every one was really enthusiastic. but then tonight, i felt like i'd already left, iwas in my second home, the pub, and i'm sitting there alone yet surrounded by i dunno 50 people thati know, but it's as though i don't exist. layla has her new dancing partner, whoiw ould like to point out cannot dance like me. ha! no that was full of myself but it's just bitterness i guess , because i think everyone is just used to the fact i'm not gonna be around anymore. am i the only one who hasn't yet let it sink in???

on wednesday my bestest friend leanne left for australia for a year, and i know what some of you are thinking but she is like my best female mate, because let's be hoest i don't get on with women as a general rule, but for her i made an exception. so as i was saying her and lee had this totally amazing leaving party ( which i might add made the idea of me having one completely pointless as htey are going to the other side of the world and i'm going an hour away ), i promised myself i wouldn't cry, but as per usual i broke my promise, it was a complete emotional overload because i'm so happy for them but so sad they are going, at least the memories i have are all completely amazing. i think that's it now, just wanted to get that all off my chest, and one final comment

if i was ******'* wife, and I saw the way ***** and ****** touch each other, i'd cry or um get a divorce,
( i didn't want to say jsut divorce because it sounded to harsh but now with the crying thing, it sounds naff.
oh and van just because people are together for a long time it doesn't mean they don't cheat

2002-08-13T15:55:00.000-07:00

i was quite scared about going but now i'm just incredibily nervous, i'm still completely unsure of whether it's the right thing for me, but i know i just have to go for it. an oppurtunity like this can'tbe missed right? but friends can and i'll miss everyone so much. before when i applied, i was un happy i felt that i could truly claim that i was lonely, i wasn't comfortable in my group of friends and i just wasn't happy, i wanted tog et so far awaya nd startover again. but after discovering i hadn't got a scholarship, i made new plans,i settled, i picked the friends i did feel comfortable with and i found myself in a very stable place. and now once again it's all been shook up and it's a very weird feeling................

2002-08-10T16:09:00.000-07:00

every so often this weird feeling washes over me, it's usually brought on whislt driving and listening to The Flaming Lips or Eels. I notice a tramp walking along, and it sets me into thinking. I wonder if he is happy?I wonder what he thinks? here we are all thinking about our new cars, or laptops to match our computers and he's there, and i just wonder what is going on in his head?
and then i drive over a river, a river that has helped shape the lives we live today, and it's only water, but it's the same water that trickled along millions of years ago,actually i suspect it gushed instad of a measly trickle.the traffic lights bounce of the water and the coke cans float by, and it's like we wouldn't be alive with out that river yet we have no respect for it.
this feeling is hard to explain, but it's like i feel as though i hve some kind of responsibility to the earth, and i'm pretty sure everyone feels it once in a while, but most choose to ignore it. as i no doubt will, tonight i'll dream of my pink iBook and tomorrow no doubt iwill add to the mess that is this world somehow, somewhere.
But another that strikes me is the question, is it merely our moral sub concious making us feel this way, and the constant barrage of news reports and threats of how the world is crumbling in our hands, or is it mother nature, the earth it's self and the connection that we built with it back when the river was only a trickle that makes us feel this way? is earth somehow communicating with it's most intelligent species, is it tearing a hole in the ozone layer itself, saying stop look your hurting me, and you hurt me i'll hurt you back?

oh by the way i'm off to atlantic college in four weeks on a full scholarship, oh and my sister has a new dog.

2002-07-28T06:00:00.000-07:00

i just read jasons blog,i'm not so muc inspired as insulted. ok so i left a comment, it wasn't a serious comment and it wasn't that mean either, i just told him to stop criticising films and things. but oh no jason has to take it to heart apparently my one comment has meant he will never post a mini review, oh boo fucking hoo!!!!! god if every time someone says one thing, that may not even be a serious comment, you flake out and stop doing what you liek hen you're going to lead a very sad sad sad life empty of all happiness!
so there

so on to my life now, i've been ill since wednesday, with some kind of really weird chest flu which has meant i can't eat, which is good for my weight but not for my oh my god can't even get off the sofa, and my muscles in my stomach and back ace form all the coughing and my teeth hurt from allt he lucozade and strepsils. so as you can tell i have so not had a very nice week, infact i haven't even been out, other than last nite and then it was for like 2 or 3 hours and it was in a house. oh cheers ashley for the southern comfort it did me wonders!!
um what else have been doing, oh hold on..... NOTHING. and i've not had any weird dreams, or delirious moments to talk about and noone has made a good enough impression on me this week to be mentioned.

2002-07-21T04:52:00.000-07:00

i'm not sure why i'm writing today, or what to write. as per usual there is nothing exciting in my life to write about and unlike jason i haven't watched a million films and so can't give a running commentary/critiscsm on them.
i'm having a very disturbing conversation at this moment, someone i know, and i want mention names. but you know who you are van, reckons they are too cool for hugs, not literally but basically he doesn't do hugs and im like what the fuck??? hugs are vital in the happiness of all people around the world, and he denies himself of them for no apparent reason.

2002-07-14T06:28:00.000-07:00

ok so i know my posts have dwindled yet again, but i've just spent the past 10 mins reading jasons and yet again i'm somewhat, inspired.
i was surprised at how many peopel found my weird obssesion with "the guy" pretty normal, i thought you'd all damn me a freak, like dwyane so bluntly did.
um what else to say, oh yeah work as i thought sucks. In fact this whole week has been damn sucky and since i've spoken to none of you because i am devoid of most mates i should fill you all in.

ok work sucks because : i have to work five hours without a single break, sit down or drink.
It's mind numbingly boring and a chimp could do it
it makes your feet hurt and totally knackers you out
there are like three genuine people who work there, i mean i know in every work place people bitch,but these people are all back stabbers, they slag each other off twenty four seven and then practically hump when they are around each other
one girl is trying to get me fired and this other one calls me red and is really mean to me, and i have litrally done nothing to either of them other than say hi and smile!

normally i don't think it would get to me, but this week it has, what with my current unknown illness and the fact my uncle has bone CANCER. so i had blood taken and then went straight to work and felt shit for five hours, and i have to keep working till i find out the results of my blood test, which was to determine if there is something wrong with my white blood cells or if i have glandular fever. And i was thinking, what if they test everyone in the family for marrow transplants because it may save my uncle and I'm the only one compatible but i can't do it because i'm ill. i know it's very unlikely but there is some small chance,and that gets to me too.
and then there is the fact that on thursday i felt like everyone wanted me to fuck off, the looks the lack of convrsation it all added up and well basically it's been a really shit week.

2002-07-14T06:24:00.000-07:00

2002-07-06T08:38:00.000-07:00

There's this guy, I first saw him last year, at the My Ruin signing in Spillers, he's blonde, he had green combats, a black jacket, a black record bag, a chipped nail varnish on his chewed hands.The minute i saw him, this weird feeling over came me, as though I needed him to be a part of my life. For quite a while after wards every time i went to cardiff i would see him, and that same feeling would wash over me, I'd feel like bursting into tears each time he looked at me, and alot of the time i would. After a while i started smiling at him, and eventually wave, once he waved back. But after that he seemed to disappear, I'd go to cardiff, and long to see him, I'd search every face. I felt as if I'd lost something, but I'd never had it......
Then last night, as I sat on the train with the love of my life, he walked towards me......... and straight past, the sensation this time was much stronger, I can't explain it. But this guy, there's just something, I don't want him as anything more or less than my best friend................

2002-07-02T15:26:00.000-07:00

is kirby and carver going up?
You could slit my throat, and with one last gasping breath, I'd apologise for bleeding on your shirt....(u) says:
dunno
You could slit my throat, and with one last gasping breath, I'd apologise for bleeding on your shirt....(u) says:
ask them
Holding back the fool again says:
k
You could slit my throat, and with one last gasping breath, I'd apologise for bleeding on your shirt....(u) says:
sorry the bitch escaped a little then
Holding back the fool again says:
eh?
You could slit my throat, and with one last gasping breath, I'd apologise for bleeding on your shirt....(u) says:
the bitch
You could slit my throat, and with one last gasping breath, I'd apologise for bleeding on your shirt....(u) says:
i keep her tied up with bondage gear under my skin
You could slit my throat, and with one last gasping breath, I'd apologise for bleeding on your shirt....(u) says:
and she escapes every so often
You could slit my throat, and with one last gasping breath, I'd apologise for bleeding on your shirt....(u) says:
just then it was only a little bit
Holding back the fool again says:
cool
Holding back the fool again says:
lol
You could slit my throat, and with one last gasping breath, I'd apologise for bleeding on your shirt....(u) says:
but she's all secure now

2002-06-30T11:30:00.000-07:00

so my mom just left for a few days and my brother and his girlfriend are expecting a child, which makes me an aunty. i think i have good reason to celebrate. so here i sit with my second bottle of fizzy alcohol, it's making me burp and i can feel the sugar eating my teeth. it has a slightly weird taste, and i usually like it, perhaps it's because i'm missing that nicotine coating on the roof of my mouth after scrubbing my mouth twice already today to get rid of the gooey aftertaste of last's night's session. and van cheers for that, i really enjoyed myself it's been ages since i've been so wasted and yet so comfortable.............
so i received some news today which i'm not going to devulge, i'm sure that's wrong, anyway, it's kinda changed the way i feel people perceive me. i dunno i just thought people saw me as open minded and trustworthy, maybe they still do but i don't think so..... i'm not as approachable as i thought. do i bang on about myself all the time??? i guess i am quite self centred, i never thought i was, i am always there for you all right?

2002-06-27T03:35:00.000-07:00

i'm going to the beach! woowooo
why is it every time i decide to do something the weather decides to fuck off back to barbados!!!! if any of you saw the trouble i had spelling jamaica just then you'd be giggling like a really giggly thing ?? like lola!!! did i speel it right now anyway, i doubt i did.
actually do you think your intelligence can decrease the less you go to school, i mean obviously you're not learning anythign new and without having lessons on say trigonometry you are going to forget soemthing about it, but what about overall intelligence? i think so, i'm getting dumber every day. right well just wanted to let every one know that i am actually going to leave my house!!!!!!! and now that i've done that i'm off...

2002-06-26T10:51:00.000-07:00

licking milkyway spread off your finger is one of the most enjoyable things to do, it's a shame i have blood pouring from my vagina and cramps that are rendering me paralysed.
well i haven't been able to enjoy the sun today, so those who have tell me what was it like? did it crisp you up like a little featherless chicken?

so on tuuesday i start my new job, and i feel it'll end before it starts. i just can't compromise my hair colour for a shop that i hate. the music ughgughg it's going to be weeks of hell non stop, it's like s club and atomic kitten all day. it's not even like it pays well. i may have a job but it's not exactly the best. i know i should be grateful but fuck it i'm not a grateful person. : - )
so far this fine holday i have done nothing, absolutely nothing oh except almost complete the hidden mansion on luigi's but how geeky does that sound??????
jason said this is like a stream of conciousness and that he can't achieve that but i don't think mine is i mean it jumps around every where from me bleeding tothe nothingness that i call my life , i really can't see the connection. and vanis chuffed that i mention him, which makes me giggle because it's not like i'm singing his praises or anything, although i don't mention people that often so you must be doing something write to get on here. ok i'm bored now and in need of some more paracetamol....... i forget how many i had today.

2002-06-25T12:24:00.000-07:00

been meaning to do this for a while.

naked pictures of jade from big brother
naked pictures of britney

anyone who knows the thing with blogs will understand why i just did that

2002-06-25T12:16:00.001-07:00

that should have been ARCHERS OF LOAF

2002-06-25T12:16:00.000-07:00

Well normally after reading jasons blog and catching up on about 4 weeks of his babble, which today i found highly amsuing, especially the crack dealer bit. any way he normally inspires me, but not today , i think it's the fact that no one checks my blog anymore. jason is more interesting and frequent with his entries. I think it's also the fact that i have done nothing , bollock all for like the past 3 weeks, other than the exploding bottle of wine i've had about as much excitement as my sea monkeys!
actually just coz i feel like being a nerd, i love my sea monkeys everyone should have some. well every1 in touch with their inner child, or people who have some fetish for shrimps who have sex. i'm sur epeople like that exist...every other type of weirdo does, me being one and you can usually find the rest pestering me in some way. is it the pink hair that attracts all things strange??????
my name has been slander, that's cool, actually it's not it's pretty lame, and one for the record, i have never and will never even look at van in a sexual manner. sorry van hehe i'm doubting very much you'll be disappointed by that.
what else ummmmm, well i never have to go back to hell, woohoo although it wasn't that joyus of an occassion, i thought it'd be like yes let's burn our bras but it wasn'tit was like dodooddo let's go home and play on the game cube for one thousand more hours.
how does jason make his blogs so interesting, he has so many thoughts on everything it's not fair.
i could talka bout archrs of loaf for a while but i don't like boring people, they are however completely wicked and everyone should listen to them.
right um tyra .......................?

2002-06-20T15:49:00.000-07:00

And I'm sitting there thinking, if this is my new life, I don't want it. There's a thousand miliion conversations going on around me and I'm in none of them, everything a blur as it whooshes past my head. There's new friends and some old ones, one old one who means more than life.
it hurts when someone doesn't talk.......

2002-06-20T06:24:00.000-07:00

It's hard to explain how it feels to have your heart ripped out emotionally,
I know my heart isn't working properly anymore, the blood doesn't reach my head,
My train of thought is lost and all I can think of is him.....

2002-06-07T17:12:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here, looking at two photos of us, we seem so happy and I wonder what happened. I know I'm young but I honestly pictured myself with you forever, and I thought you felt the same. Recently these stupid ideas have been shattered, I've come to realise that it is impossible to expect you to want to spend the rest of your life with me. We're both still young and there's a million people out there for us still to meet. You never know you're perfect one could be just round the corner. Sometimes I feel like I'm limiting your life, stopping you from going out and leading the student life, but then I think if things were so bad you'd leave me, or would you? sometimes i wonder if it's only the fact that you love/loved me and care for me is the only reason you haven't left, sometimes my imagination runs wild and I think you'e leading some life behind my back with a million women, I like to think I'd be able to tell.
I don' know why I'm writing this, or if i'll ever send it, maybe i just want to let you know how i feel, but at the same time i doubt you'll ever read this, i wish this had some purpose and i wish it wouldn't turn into a soppy love letter, but i fear it will and soon.
infact here we go, i still love you, i always will, i thinkwe can get through this, i know we argue but i really think it is because we are so similar and we sometime ithink we care too much, hence the jealousy, i know i'm afraid to lose you and think you are to, but even if the end comes it won't really be the end because i'll always be your friend. i don't think there's anything else left to say, i feel like i'm losing you, each day you're slipping through my fingers more and more and it hurts, its tearing me apart, you are the only person in the world i trust, the only person in the world i can tell anything to, you are my soul mate and you touch my heart everyday and make me smile in so many ways. i love you with all my heart

forever yours
your silly little creature
xjaneyx

2002-06-07T11:42:00.000-07:00

I've just got back from viewing a house in Whiterock and I feel anything but sweetness and light. WHY do i feel i'm the only one who doesn't want to live in a house that looks like all the all the others? and I know I live ina terraced house, but at least we have brown windows!!!! and in the garden they had that stuff you put in fish tanks!!!! there was nothing much wrong with the house, except it looked like all the others, the garden was alittle over grown and the garage was mankie mankie( sorry but just no other way to describe it) the bathroom was the size of my finger nail, infact the whole house although having more rooms than my current, was quite small. The one set of neighbours looked like they have some pride but as for th rest of street, it was grey and blakc and it looked like it belonged in the gurnos. Oh yeah, anthoer point to add what is worng with people today, there's a really expensive car, like a sport thinga me jig, and it's parked in the drive of a house that looks like it's gonna collapse!
ughghgughhg i can't leave there, i Jane with pink hair can't live somewhere where all the houses are the same and parked out every one is a caravana nd ford focus! ( i don't mean that in a big headed way)

2002-06-06T15:44:00.000-07:00

Well jason has inspired me slightly, although I have very little to speak about, but, and i hope he takes this as now offence, henamnages to get away with babble so i feel like getting away with it to. ( crosses finger, and rubs rabbit's foot)

I was watching Big brother earlier, and it really disappoints me to know that three of the best characters in the house are up for eviction. Ok I can see their bad points, alex is whiney, but it's great fun having a laugh at him going quietly mad, and it makes a great drinking game, knock them back whenever Alex's moans, which basically means you're pissed within 10 minutes. Sandy maybe slightly less loud and in your face, but it could it be he is slightly wiser, and well he's one damn fine sexy old man!!!!!! well that could just be my opinion and at the moment have a penchant for older man. Alison, she's loud which i can understnad maybe annoying at times, but how brave is she???? I would NEVER EVER EVER dance around or wear a bikini on national tele, infact i wouldn't do it in front of you the readers, and i'm what a 1/3 of her size, a half perhaps? you cannot respect her??? my disappointment is that i can't vote! i don't want any of htem to go, but jade oh jade, if she was up i'd vote at least a million times!!!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrr i don't think i'll get started. anyways I'm saddened by the eviction and I bet sandy will go, tyra my little celtic beefcake.

anyone who knows me or frequents the malsters may have noticed my absence there, but it's not my fault! Dog Damn E4!!!!! Ok I'm not that big a fan of Friends, well I was but after the fourth series it for me, became a little, hmm, yawnsome. Well anyways for some reason I became enthralled this series, I think it was that little fairy tinkling around, peeing in my brain "oooh might they get back together???" So tonight once again like the hermit I am i stayed in, and once again thursday tradition, I cried. Now normally it owuld be the wonderful ER to have me sobbing into a freshly manicured, but noo not tonight, tonight it was the wonder of the human birth!!! Man it gets me everytime.

Dog, wasn't that completely pointless and boring???well i have nothing else to say really this time, nothing.

2002-06-05T11:14:00.000-07:00

FEATURE'S FIRST REVIEW!!!1

For those who don't know Feature is the name of the band that my darling is in, and i won't promise but i'm pretty sure htis review won't be biased. please anyone who reads this DO NOT BE OFFENDED for it is only my pathetic opinion. well let's start with a run down on the band, as lead singer with have Allyn, who has many of the stereotypical qualities of a front man, big headed, in your face and perhaps somewhat lacking talent, is that a little harsh so early on???next up we have the guitarists, Garin and Dwayne, both are very talented and creative and manage to work well off each other although dwayne's cooperation skills seem slightly mis directed there, and so brings us to Steff, the drummer, and who I would call he back bone, he appears to be able to bring them all to work together, he has plenty of ideas, is a talented drummer and somehow manages to work in harmony with them all.Last but not least we have Carver, who dare I say it, ills the stereotypical bass player slot, he's quiet, thoughtful, does what he is told but has a boiling cauldron of talent and potential brimming under thoe silent eyes.
Now to the sound, bearing in mind I was only lucky enough to sit in on a rehearsal, it's not so bad. The riff are strong and the melodies dance off the guitars easily, the percussion is brutsla nd very much suited to the musical style, all in all something that you would consider listening to. perhaps it's only fault is that it needs a little tightening up. Now I understand that the singer was using the crappiest amp and mike, but he is as whiiney as a girl punk rock band, this honestly would be the only thing to deterr me from allowing my ear drums to be battered by this band. Whether he has any lyrics and whether there are any good is a mystery, because his voice jumbles into one nonchalant blur.
Now please don't see this as a bad review, i beg to differ, the band is harbouring alot of talent and if time and effort permit, fame. so please lads, keep it up, ignore the bitches like me, do your thing and if you think it sounds good, then maybe it does.

2002-05-25T09:29:00.000-07:00

i'm very sorry on my lack of entries, i've had several complaints, but i have very little to say, i've seen out the bunch from hell, 1 person, my days have been spent trying to revise, dwayne turning up and distarcting me, then spending the rest of the day playng on the game cube. i'mnot even sure what it looks like outside.
and my hermit ness has even spread to my decision not to go to the ozzfest! i didn't go because i was to busy thinking of the weather and my exams, what the hell is wrong with me??? have i turned into some kind of person that cares??!?!?!?!?!??!

it has to be said though my complete hatred for hell and the fact that's i say it's not a goodplace for me, has been reinforced. look back through old blog entries, i'm not exactly a happy bunny, and now although i've written little, i've written almost nothing that is bad... see my point?????

my house got valued to day, for those who don't yet know i'm moving, to that place, that place high upon the hill, so anyway the dude from peter allan, who constantly said, my love to both me nad my mother, within 30 seconds of meeting us!!!!! yeah anyway he said 60 grand, which is cool, coz we only paid 49. and our morgage is only 45, so apparently that's good.
um that's it for today i dunno canne be bothered to write anymore, but creative juices have started flowing again, so expect more.

2002-05-17T11:23:00.000-07:00

i apologise for my lack of entries recently, it's just, what with us all no longer being in hell, i have very little to complain about, other than. i'm bored.

2002-05-14T11:09:00.000-07:00

i can go for days without, it's been almost a week this time. but then 1 day, 1 minute, 1 second can change all that, and my whole day revolves around it, until it's done, and then when it is, i spend the rest of the day feeling guilty..........
i know people are like arggg soaps, they are pathetic, no one can act. but today one made me realise how people feel, when i do what i do.......

2002-05-14T03:17:00.000-07:00

tell everybody,waiting for superman,
they should try to hold on best they can,
he hasn't, dropped them, forgot them, or anything,
it's just to heavy for superman to day.................

2002-05-12T02:30:00.000-07:00

it seems that everything is pointing for me to leave, egging me on saying go on jane , just pack up and fly.

2002-05-11T11:59:00.000-07:00

so i'm sitting here, in tears, my make up getting completely ruined, and i don't even know why. it's not even time of the month.i'm supposed to e out clubbing tonight, but thinking about going out just makes me feel nauseous ( i think that's right) i'm so sick and tired of this, and i know we all go through this, and know what you're all thinking, oh here we go another pathetic K.T. , some of you will know what that is some won't. but i think alot fo you will agree ido seem to suffer from depression far more often, and usually alot more deeply. god how full of myself do i sound???? i know i've had a great life, no denying, and i know others have had it worse, but well it runs in the family.
ok answer some questions.
when criticised do you think about it for hours? no, months.
when in gatherings of friends do you feel "alienated"? yes, always recently
do you consider yourself less than others? by far.
do your moods swing back and forth? yes
are you an angry person,sometimes violent towards yourself? yes/

congratulations, your a head case. well done jane.

2002-05-07T14:25:00.000-07:00

This place is a cancer on my soul,
the person i've become leaves a bitter bloody taste,
in the mouths of those i have known.
I am sick of this dawdling,meandering pace.

My heart is closed on the people here,
their eyes and arms are closed to my true self,

well i was trying to write a poem, but i kinda lost it after this :-( kinda how i feel rite now. LOST.

2002-05-05T06:42:00.000-07:00

it's the end of the world as we know it..........no it really is, this is the end of an era. whether you've noticed it or not, whether you're doing it on purpoe or unintentionally, we're signing off, you're blocking those who are leaving off, cutting them out of conversations, out of plans, and for those who are leaving, you're finding new friends or at least making some stronger, and the friends you make and have are no longer between the walls which you have become accustomed to. and be honest, you're glad.

2002-05-04T11:36:00.000-07:00

........Lee said to Jane " Why don't you move to london? You'd fit in there, you're not like us , you're a city girl, it's like we have wooden furniture and you have aluminium." and Jane said " it's only my wardrobe."
Lee replied, " Still, why don't you move to london? you'd fit in there."

2002-05-01T12:26:00.000-07:00

after reading jasons blog i feel slightly enraged, it's quite an old blog, well a few days old, he mentions his depression, and then undermines his depression, claiming that he knows his friends have worse problems, and hten he lists a few me being one. and i ahve to help him on this one, no one's problem is bigger or worse than another, if they all lead to YOU feeling depressed. if it makes YOU FEEL like the smallest most insignificant most suicidal person in the world then it is a big deal!

2002-04-30T12:09:00.000-07:00

what the fuck? in britain, we have hooligans who protest against a football result, we have rascists who damage synagogues, in the complete knowledge that jews cause allproblems, we have mindless idiots, that's all i can see. meanwhile in france people of our age are standing up for politics, it is the young in frnace who are opposed to le pen, it si the young who seem to notice the fact that le pen is a nazi, it is the dj's of the local teen rock station who notice le pen's speeches which contain obvious censorship ideas. why is it that our young, britain's youth are sooo blahhhhhhhhhh, so mindless and so frustrated, we should be happy we're so lucky, we should be supporting the youth in france, we to tomorrow should protest.

2002-04-29T11:04:00.000-07:00

i realise my blogs aren't very insighful anymore, but there is very little to say. i could go into my deepest thoughts and feelings but i don't want to bore or depress any of you.
i guess doing drama has depressed me, it's brought up the self harm issue and made me wonder how come i've just stopped? and idon't know, i think maybe i'm on top of things. or is it that i feel satisfied in life.
i know that i used to do it because of my self hatred, but that is still there. am i some how managing to cope? or ami just pretending that i'm fine? is it dwayne that keeps me on a sane level???

today got me really, really, down, i don't think many of my mates realise r know my deep self issues, i guess because i hide them. i know it's my fault if they say somethings, that really upset me, because if they knew they wouldn't say, but they don't know so they do. but can't tell them, because i'm still not comfortable with them. even though they are my best friends. that totally sucks.
i don't feel the connection with them that i used to, and i constantly feel that they are looking down on me, or wishing me dead. yet i seem to be making other connections , that are stronger, with other people. it totally sucks, it's like i don\t know who are my mates and who are my enemies. well that's it
cya

2002-04-28T06:21:00.000-07:00

whos life is this? it's mine. yet my business seems to be eveyone's. you tell a good friend something and they twist and go tell the one person you dont want to know. it's so pathetic, you really can't trust anyone because they all judge you.

2002-04-27T02:35:00.000-07:00

I only just realised, it's great that we are all getting away, going to collegesdoing what we want with life. but this is the end, no longer will we be the group of friends we always have been, the ones who stay will stay, and the ones who go will become flowing moving particles who gather other particles as they go along

2002-04-24T14:52:00.000-07:00

i never win first place, i don't the team, i can't take direction, and my socks are never clean, i was always in a fight, coz i can't do anything right, EVERYDAY I FIGHT A WAR AGAINST THE MIRROR, CAN'T TAKE THE PERSON STARING BACK AT ME,I'M A HAZARD TO MYSELF, DON'T LET ME GET ME, I'M MY OWN WORST ENEMY, IY'SBAD WHEN YOU ANNOY YOURSELF, SO IRRITATING, DON'T WANNA BE MY FRIEND NO MORE, WANNA BE SOMEBODY ELSE. DON'T LET ME GET ME

2002-04-24T14:34:00.000-07:00

my skin is so bad again, bastard time of the month. piece of advice never work with friends in your final drama exam. recently i've felt the need to start self harming again, i'm not really sure why,perhaps it's the stress from our exams,perhaps the feeling of self worthless ness, perhaps the complete hatred for me that seeps from my friends
.maybe the fact that i know no one checks this any more!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't have much to write today, i'm feeling kinda numb.
"MY TEARS ARE SILENT INSIDE"

2002-04-22T14:38:00.000-07:00

I've just had a thought, we were all complaining today about the state of our sex ed., well i've got a plan!

2002-04-22T14:14:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry if i depress eveyrone....it's just I am. I can't help, I feel almost alienated rom my friends, but then again i feel like that most of the times that I have a while off, actually I feel it alot of the time anyway, my insecurities i guess, but they play on you, you notice no one paying attention, the looks your supposed best friends give you, maybe it's just me.
And then there are those people, that person, who belittle your dreams, pick fun, amke out you've done something wrong becasue they don't understand, and little do they know they are making matters much worse, when your dreams have been destroyed you don't need someone making a big deal, especially when they know NOTHING. I seriously hate that place, and I know none of you understand and you think I'm overreacting and everyone hates school. but do YOU come home and cry EVERY night?
Well i don't think I have anything more to say, and i don't want people to pussy foot or anything, i just, well this is like my diary and for some reason I'm allowing whoever to read it, so appreciate it, please.

2002-04-22T12:39:00.000-07:00

What are the symptoms?
Early on, vague complaints of "not feeling well," headache, tiredness, chilliness, puffy eyelids. Later, fever, sore throat, and swollen lymph glands at the side and back of the neck, and also under the arm and in the groin may appear. The firm, tender glands vary from bean to egg size for several days to a few weeks. Tonsillitis, trouble swallowing and bleeding gums may be present. Some people may develop a rash.

[Mono in children and some adults is often unrecognized due to the mild nature of the symptoms.]

I'm not being funny but i have
1 bleeding sore gums
2 sore throat
3 swollen glands
4 tiredness(fatigue)
5 chills

is it just me here? or does it not sound like i have glandular fever!!!!!!!

2002-04-18T15:12:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry to keep going on, but i'm ill and well you know the rest.
i'm sick of all the "your beautiful in your own way" shit! hat's what it is it's fucking shit, the thing is i can deal with the fact i'm fat and ugly, why can't everybody else? why do people try to kid themselves into thinking that like me? because the fact is i know the truth and it's as though the rest of the world can't handle it. god seems like the world all over doesn't it?

oh and that acquintance i mentioned before, the one who i said i felt i had become good mates with but that i thought he was drunk when he said aload of nice stuff?well even if you don't, he's asked and i've been meaning to tell you all he wasn't just drunk and he meant it. so there we go its a fairy tale.. don't you think??

2002-04-18T14:45:00.000-07:00

I'm CRUSHED,FLATTENED,SQUASHED,SPOILT,RUINED,DEAD

my dreams are gone, all because of money.... and it sucks, and you know what sucks more, the fact that if my parents were still together i wouldn\t be crushed, or flattened or distraught. and you know what else if they were together, i probably wouldn't be fat, or have suffered from asthma, and i probably wouldn\t be a superficial self mutilator either. And what pisses me off more is that he can't even pay me back for all the shit, because "he's a socialist and doesn't believe in private education" but it's my dream,i'm supposed to be there and it's all ruined because i'm not rich anymore, not that i was that rich before but i was pretty well off. and i know there are people in the world who can't even eat (actually today i couldn't either), but this is my dream, my fucking dream. i'm sorry to sound like a spoilt brat but i wanted it soo much and i got it and i can't have it, it's in my fingers but it keeps slipping through.............

2002-04-16T11:13:00.000-07:00

it appears that this blog thing is catching on, and i dare someone to start one for us all to input crap!!!
oh and b the way harmick said he started this hwole thing when he made one for people when he went to armenia or for people in armenia i forget, but yeah! all hail harmie!!

today most definitely had to suck, the first day back and what do we think? SHIT my meandering existence was definitely enforced today, how do we manage to forget what hell that place is??? and how come it seems to drain my energy? maybe they have htese big drain sucking machines and htey suck our energ and feed it to the retired teachers who still need some kind of a life, or myabe that's what's in the tins for the old people, hence the reason they live so long. yeah i like it!!!
the whole day waiting .... for THE LETTER and it's not here,and if i don't get it tomorrow i have to ring them and that can\t be good news, unless they don't send one to people who get in so then we ring and then they tell us in person! i wish!!!!!!
ok i don\t wanna write much more because i don\t wanna bore people, i hope people continue to visit these things coz tis fun!!!!!
p.s. check out www.super8stories.blogspot.com
and also www.madcapsk8er.blogspot.com ( i think that's right )oh and
machete.pitas.com ( i'm not too sure of that one either)

2002-04-16T08:20:00.000-07:00

Well so many of you have asked about atlantic college i'm going to tell.
the people and the place are great,amazing!perfectly suited 4 me...well i feel anyway.
but my interview, i cocked that up big time. i just didn't talk enough and they kept looking at me as if 2 say is that all ur gonna say, and then i scratched my foot! in the middle of the interview!!!!!!!!! arggggghh

oh and so you all know, i still don't.

xjx

2002-04-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

Jason is worried I'm gonna steel his steam, but I'm not so everyone has to check his sit everytime they check mine!!!!!! www.super8stories.blogspot.com
I think every one should have one of these,or we should have a shared one like before, coz i personally like being able to see what my friends think of certain things.
like egg mayo or egg and salad cream/
strong or mild cheese?
silver or gold?
all those mind numbing things that for some reason we like to chat about.
so i find out from united world college this week, i don't have my hope sup s can people please not ask. if i'm very silent one day then you'll know why.
oh and i want every one to come see chemical reaction 27th april cathays community centre!!!! JASON YOU ESPECIALLY!!! hey maybe guy could come down???? stay with u or something???

well i'm going to lie down this typingis making me tired
xjx

2002-04-15T11:20:00.000-07:00

He’ll Be Dead Before He’s Twenty........

It hadn’t exactly been a pleasant day and all I wanted was to be at home. I noticed him the minute I stepped out of the car, he had the appearance that I expected of a young male hanging around my mother’s work. His hair, bleached blonde with brown roots growing through, slicked with what could be a tub of gel. He was scrawny, but in a menacing way. His grubby white vest hung off him , and he bore his arms which were covered with grime. His trousers, the sport type, rustly as you walk, and some beaten trainers, I’m pretty sure, Reebok. He took a drag on what could have been a joint or rollie.
We hovered in the doorway waiting for someone to let us in, I could hear a scuffle of feet on the gravel and there he stood, he mumbled a kind of surprised noise, I think at the fact we were still there. After a minute he lifted his head, but only slightly, he mumbled and stuttered, “ C-c-could you ask Deri, um h-how long she is um g-g-gonna be.......She, she’s the one with blonde hair, um short.” He was so timid and polite and the original impressions were washed away in an instant.
“ You’ve even got a burberry shirt, your all sorted.” The thumbs up that my mother gave and the following sentence by him all seemed positive, “It’ll clash with my trousers though.” I chuckled as I climbed the stairs.
It’s at this point that I move slightly away from the story, but more about “him”, his name was Daniel, 16 years and 6 months old, only 6 months older than me. Yesterday morning he got out of prison, he went home, to parents fuelled with alcohol,story of his life. Some one broke in, at which point of the evening I’m not sure, they stole alot of his stuff. In pure fear he went to the police station, like most people would, but this is where his story changes drastically. Daniel broke into the Police station and then sat in a jumper and helmet awaiting for a police officer to come and arrest him. Less that twenty four hours out of jail and all he wanted was to be arrested again. His parents refuse to have him home.
I had just been spending a day trying my hardest to gain a scholarship to an United World College, I had been surrounded by some of the most intelligent and tolerant people. Many of whom were well off and a comment sure to stick in my mind, is one that arose whilst we discussed our parents opinions to our applications, “ My mum was saying, Oh Bethan you do realise we won’t be able to afford the MG if you get in.”
So Daniel, he having a violent record could not be admitted to any of the Youth Hostels in the area and so using petty cash from the YOT team, my mother and her staff find a place for this guy to live, a B and B, some clothes because he has only what he is wearing and pay for some food for him. This for him is sorted.
He is one of life's tragedies. He has had no chance to live and I have had all the chance , and have not used it fully. It’s hard for someone like me to understand, it’s hard for anyone to understand anyone when no one changes their perspective for just one moment. If I was living his life I’d probably be dead by twenty too....................... and so many are.

2002-04-15T11:11:00.000-07:00

So this whole thing began when i met Guy, at edinburgh in the summer, he had this blog and then i introduced him to jason, who also got a blog, so now i am. Guy's blog is pretty light and advertises alot of stuff and jasons is very heavy, so i hope to make mine a mixutre, some light some heavy.
the piece i began with yesterday just explained me a little and then i decided to discuss how i was, discovering that i dont know.
it's been a few weird days, i almost lost the personi love the most, i feel like a made an aqquintance a good friend, although i suspect he was just drunk, and then i met someone who i've known for a while but never met, and he looks just like i thought he would.

2002-04-15T11:03:00.000-07:00

oops i'm new 2 this.
ok so i get another notion from lola, it's weird how everyone is connected some how, another weird thing is how you can grow to hate something or someone you used to love.......................( not you dwayne)
anywho back to how i feel, but how do i feel? i'm relieved that we managed to patch things up, and generally life is not bad, off to ikea on wednesday for new bedroom furniture, plenty of food on my plate, blah blah. but there is still that underlying feeling of insecurity, the fact i look in the mirror each day and feel disgusting as though i'm about to spew my ring up but people perceive me to be vein, there's the fact my family life is a bit of wreck, but lets be honest, nowadays who's isn't?, there's the exams and the fact i may not get into united world colleges oh yeah and there's that thing the majority of us go through, teenage. ugggggh and you know for some strange reason people seem to think that after your teens it's only candy and sweets. but i think you'll find it only gets worse. bills, debt, crummy jobs, children, failing relationships, competing for homes, food, cars, jobs, ties, dresses, who's gonna be married first, who has the best ass, blahblah if you ask me it's just as tough as the prehistoric ages, just in a different way. i think that's me for now, so much fun, and i guess i still haven't discovered HOW AM I?

2002-04-15T11:02:00.000-07:00

this is really annoying sometimes it works sometime snot!!!

2002-04-15T10:57:00.000-07:00

ok so finally after a long long time this is actually starting to work i think, i hope.
yesterday i wrote some really good things, they were quite long and deep and now i can't really be bothered to re write them especially since i don\t know if this is working
but i might do it l8r

2002-04-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

please work dear lord please